Dear Dad,

 

Dear Dad,

As I currently write this, it has been 82 days, 22 hours and 45 minutes since you took your last breath. A day that seems so long ago, but a day that I think about every single day. 

As  I sat in a chair at the foot of your hospital bed on the evening of March 29th. Mama was on your right side, Christal on your left. I sat by myself at the foot of your bed because all of this was too surreal for me. I could not believe that this is how it was ending. In my mind, COVID was not supposed to be the end of your story. I still hoped that you were going to fully recover. In a moments time, you were going to miraculously get better, you would walk out of the hospital wearing your freshly ironed shirt that Mama had hanging in her car on the way to Winston Salem. 

I am so thankful that we had our final moments together hours before. I entered your room and you knew that I was there. We held hands and I pleaded for Jesus to heal your body. You nodded as the tears fell from my eyes onto your hand. However, God had other plans, his perfect plan. His plan was to take you to your eternal home. A place of no sickness, pain, feeding tubes, wires, needles or ventilators. But as I sat there hearing you take your final breaths, I just wanted to run. I wanted to scream. I could not look up and watch the numbers on your monitor dip because that would mean that my Dad, my hero, the only man who never broke my heart was leaving me. 

I have learned that grief comes in waves. Sometimes I drown in grief, other times I float along and smile at memories that we shared. A couple of weeks after you left I sat on the beach and cried as I watched Addison and Finn play. So thankful that my sunglasses blocked my tears. Another time it hit me like a ton of bricks as I washed dishes and my eyes glanced up at your childhood home. I sat in the floor of my kitchen and cried, paralyzed by your loss. 

I especially did not want your exit to be during the messiest season of my life. I wanted you to stick around for the next chapter of my life. The one where I have life all figured out. 

I wanted to make you proud by having a successful career, a great marriage and all of the "important" things. Even so all of those things are important. I am thankful that you always taught us the true meaning of success. 

I read a quote earlier this week that said "do not live for the praise of man, but for the one with nail scarred hands." (Mark Batterson) This describes you perfectly as you ministered to many without them even knowing. You were the one who would always notice things that others did not. Many times on a Saturday you could be found washing the church vans without anyone knowing or helping someone in need that no one knew about. You listened and heard the desires of my heart, like the day that you randomly showed up at my door with a wash board as you recalled me saying two years ago that I had looked for an authentic one. You had looked at flea markets and yard sales ever since until you found an authentic one. 

A couple of days after you left us, Christal and I sat with Mom and a young girl whom we did not know came to the door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She sat and told us of how you prayed with her in Ingles after the passing of her father when she was having a rough time. She said that it meant a lot to her and she wanted to share. It is just like you to do this. to help someone or brighten their day without thinking anything of it or needing the applause of anyone. 

You would be so proud of Mama! She is doing such a great job keeping up with the yard and the house. I know that you know that it isn't an easy task! She is even driving the tractor and plans on taking the grand kids on tractor rides, just like you used to do! She has went to the beach and she continues to put one foot in front of the other. I am so proud of her too! 

I miss you and your presence in Addison and Finn's lives. I miss seeing you pick up Addison for school and taking her out for breakfast like you occasionally did. I miss seeing Finn grab his seat for a haircut in your chair or having you pick him up to go fishing on a Saturday morning. 

Dad, know that you are so very loved. So very missed, but your legacy remains. We are better because of how you loved and sacrificed for us. And until I see you again, I will strive to make you proud by living for approval for the one with nail scarred hands. 

XOXO

The "Just Jesus" Easter....

Throwback to Easter 2019

December 26, 2019 I found myself shopping once again for a few Christmas gifts for a post Christmas gathering. While shopping I stumbled upon a pink and white dress shirt that was too cute to pass up. I purchased the shirt for my son and I already dreaded convincing him to wear it on Easter morning, knowing that he would not be happy about wearing pink.

Looking back on years past, Easter has always consisted on new clothes,  seeing familiar faces at church, family pictures after church and a big Easter lunch at my parents house followed by an Easter Egg hunt with cousins. There is always the Easter drama with family pictures, curling my daughters hair and getting to church extra early because we are blessed to be in Ministry.

Seeing the Easter shirt hanging in my son's closet this week made me sad. It is the first year that I do not have a new Easter dress. I was sad seeing the grassy area at the lake where no Easter eggs will lay this year and I miss my church family, and I will especially miss worshiping with them on Easter Sunday. Feeling this grief from the unusual Easter season, I had to remind myself that it is okay to grieve from the expectations that I had for Easter 2020.

This Easter is different. With the effects of Covid-19 there was no Easter egg hunt at the lake today, there is no family lunch planned, church will be via Facebook Live, no other Easter outfits were purchased and we will probably be in our pajamas until mid day. Easter has not been canceled. However, this year we shift our focus from the prep of Easter to "Just Jesus".

 Jesus is enough. We do not need the extra of egg hunts, new clothes and  big family lunches. Jesus can fill every longing in our heart from the longing of normalcy, the broken relationships, financial worries and uncertain future. He is our sufficiency in all times good and bad.

We don't have the right to claim that we have done anything on our own. God gives us what it takes to do all we do. 2 Corinthians 3:5 CEV

What if this Easter, God has taken away all of the extras to lead us back to the cross? He has taken away all of the extras, so that we can focus on the true meaning of Easter....Him! 

The Gift of Honesty & transparency on Christmas Day...

It was Christmas Day, and amidst the wrapping paper and unopened gifts there was another surprise gift that remained unopened...honesty and transparency.

We were all having fun, opening gifts when we realized that although we had searched high and low for Finn's perfect nerf gun, we forgot the batteries. Finn being totally oblivious played with the nerf gun without batteries and all of his other toys. However, the tension that set in the room was obvious. My kids began to notice the shift in my husband's demeanor and began to question "what's wrong with Dad?"  Because depression and anxiety doesn't pick when it shows up. It doesn't pick the way that the people around you are affected. You just deal with it, the best way that you can.

Instead of telling my kids the usual "nothing's wrong, everything is fine." I chose to say "you guys, Dad is dealing with some things....Dad is sad. It is not because of us. He is just really sad with his life right now, but he is happy with us. We can't do anything to help Dad except to love him and to pray for him." My children are amazing and accepted this "surprise gift" amazingly well. It was so much better than just pushing it under the rug as we had frequently done.

In our counseling sessions we learned that we often times need to tell our kids the honest truth. Kids need to know that life isn't always perfect. Or fair. Or happy. Doing so, we will point them to the ways that they should react when life throws them lemons.

As my husband and I had some quiet time moments later, he said "I'm sorry that I ruined Christmas" and I replied "you didn't ruin Christmas." It was only a bad moment on Christmas Day, that turned out beautifully.

Sometimes we all need to remember that we all have bad moments, bad days and bad pages within our chapters. Being honest and transparent with those around you allows yourself to open up to others and allows them to effectively be there for you during your challenging moments.

Merry (transparent) Christmas

What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body, we're all connected.

Ephesians 4:25 

This is probably the first year in over ten years that I did not send Christmas cards out. I had good intentions of doing it. I even designed our cards and had them printed. However, when it came down to sitting down to addressing them, it did not happen. Needless to say, if you sent us a Christmas card, we truly appreciate it. We display them on the side of the pantry, near our Christmas tree. I love gazing at them as we eat dinner every night.

I especially love the Christmas cards that have a family letter attached. It is often a high - light reel of your year, I get it. I often times feel like our Facebook pages and Instagram profiles are a nice high - light reel as well. I'm guilty too. However, taking this Christmas card photo was nothing short of a disaster. First of all, no one wanted to do it...except me. I couldn't find the time (or the extra dough) to fit in a nice photography shoot for the card. So, a family friend stopped by. Again, no one wanted to do it. Finn wanted his shirt off. Addison was complaining that she was freezing and that the fence was hurting her feet (we did a couple of shots not on the fence and she wasn't looking at the camera in any of those). Spunky was cold and he didn't like his shirt, he was also unhappy because the ground was wet and it was seeping into his converse. And Penelope....yeah, she doesn't like looking at the camera either. I explained to our friend to please make "kissy noises" and she will look, but obviously they didn't listen to me.  So...out of 20 pictures, this is the best one.

Life in 2019 has been miraculous and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Addison and Finn are loving school, love extra circulars and church activities. They love each other and they also love arguing over the remote control and other electronics.

We have seen Addison make great strides with her Auditory Processing Disorder, diagnosed in Elementary School. I actually got weepy in church today as I heard her read scripture aloud from a microphone. It may not be much of an accomplishment for many, but this is HUGE for Addison. We have seen her self confidence begin to skyrocket since joining Voices in the Laurel. She is still quite the introvert, but she is happily content going to the beat of her own drum. She has lots of friends when she wants them, but she generally loves not being around a lot of drama. She dislikes make up , dressing up and anything girly. However, she loves all things sparkles and holy jeans (like her mother). She still aspires to become a Pastry Chef and to own her own bakery in Clemson, SC.

Finn loves school, most days. His love for homework from Kindergarten has faded and it is a nightly battle. He does well in school and he is very much the extravert. He has lots of friends and his favorite school activity is "chasing the girls" on the playground. He is mischievous, funny and quick witted. He very much has the personality of his mother. He also sings with Voices in the Laurel, but his favorite activity is playing basketball. He is a hard worker too, and he has loved learning how to use our leaf blower this year. He always demands to "look cool" wherever he goes and especially loves athletic clothes and all things orange, but not Clemson orange. He continues to pull for the Tennessee Volunteers and especially loves watching football.

Penelope the Australian Labradoodle continues to be the love of the family. We fight for her affection, even though Addison is her favorite human. She spends her days playing with her toys and stealing small stuffed animals from the kids rooms. She occasionally travels with me to the office for the day, but she can always be seen at the top of the couch looking out the window for us to come home if she is home alone. We love her dearly and she is very much the Princess of the home!

The biggest miracle from 2019 was the answered prayer of me quitting Dentistry after 15 years. I said goodbye to dental floss and scrubs on July 3rd and I said hello to working for our church plant (Haywood Community Church) and to a non profit children's choir called, Voices in the Laurel. I also added on my first marketing account in late October. 90% of the time I love my work life. However, I do have some very stressful days. In recent days, I have not stopped working until 1-2 AM (possibly why my Christmas cards never went out?). This season has been good, but also challenging finding my "new normal". Nonetheless, I love the opportunity to take my children to school, pick them up from school and participate in all of the school activities. I love the opportunity that I have to lead a Women's Bible Study on Thursday mornings at a local coffee shop and the availability that I have had to meet with women one on one.

Josh, or "Spunky" as many call him is such a supportive and loving husband. The rock of our family . My biggest cheerleader and the one who always encourages me to go after my dreams. He was the first one to encourage me to take the "leap of faith" and to quit my job. He encouraged me to be more available for our children who are growing so quickly. We feel blessed for all of the opportunities that "Spunky" has had to minister this year and for the blessing of landscaping jobs to help us make ends meet. This year, he has  been dealing with some physical pain as we are quickly realizing that all of the years and demands of landscaping are taking toll on his body. We had a scare during the summer when a doctor told us that he could have Rheumatoid Arthritis, we were thankful when the test came back as negative. He has dreams of continuing on with Ministry and he has a heart for the people within our church and Western North Carolina. We are not sure what those next steps are looking like and sometimes that leaves us anxious. We know that he is called into Ministry, I know that God has a great plan in store for him. However, this season of waiting has been frustrating, but we are concentrating on what is unseen and not what is seen.

We recently landed in a counselor's office. The stress of the season of Ministry and the drastic life change of my career change has taken a toll on us. We are NOT on the verge of Divorce. This season of Ministry has taken so much. It has taken our time, emotional energy and to some degree, some friendships.  I heard a quote a few months back that said "The closer you get to the cross, the fewer people will be around you." I believe that quote to be true. I feel that we are doing the work of God, but the heartache of this season in Ministry has been well...heartbreaking. I see the vision of our church plant, we still have a huge heart for it. However, hanging onto that vision has been tough at times, especially in the dark. It is tough to go through such a touch season...alone. It is tough when you have exposed the rawness of your heart and to no longer have those people by your side. However, it has made me more thankful for the people who have remained our friends through this dark chapter, and  for the new friendships that have prospered. Nonetheless, we are in counseling to help us to communicate more effectively and work out some of the hurt that we have experienced over the past 2 years.

I recently spoke to a friend who I haven been friends with for so many years, I said "I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride" for the past two years and she said "well...you have been."  I appreciated her saying that more than she could have ever known. To me, it validated my thoughts and it made me realize that maybe...just maybe I'm not crazy. Do I know what the future holds for us? No. However, I do know that our future is held by the one who aligns the stars every single night and in that, I put my trust in him.

Merry Christmas.....may you be transparent with the ones around your table this Christmas!

"Your transparency will lead to other people's transformation." - Trent Shelton

Friday Favorites 8/30/19

Hello Everyone! Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day Weekend!

I am so super duper excited to be able to sleep beside my guy tonight without having to set the alarm for tomorrow! And better yet, we have a weekend with absolutely NO plans!!! I'm not sure if I should be excited about that or slightly sad, but I'm choosing to be excited! Although, I am slightly sad that this is the last week of summer.....

This week was good, but busy. It was officially my first week as a stay at home working Mom.  Turns out, it was a lot busier than I anticipated! Although, I am absolutely loving this ! My favorite part by far is the ability to take my kids to school and pick them up each day, followed by the ability to meet people for lunch / coffee and hear their stories! I am praying that God shows up through me each day so that I can encourage others, no matter what they are going through. 

Without any further waiting.... here are my favorites for the week!

Favorite New Boutique Blue Chic Boutique

I am pretty sure that my sweet mentor has rubbed off on me, because I am loving animal print for fall. I believe that it started with my leopard print bikini that I purchased for our beach trip.... Anyway, I purchased more animal print from Blue Chic this week and I may have done a happy dance when I got the shipping notification!

I'm still not happy about these cooler temperatures, but I am ready to do some wardrobe switching out...

Favorite New Coffee Shop Orchard Coffee

Orchard Coffee is probably my new favorite meeting spot! And bonus that it's within walking distance from our church plant (Haywood Community Church). I just love the atmosphere and how they always seem to have something different each time that I go. And let's talk about this latte art !! Visiting here always brings a smile to my face!

Favorite Moment... lantern prayers with my guy

Last Friday evening we were invited to the most amazing dinner party at one of our Pastor's home. First of all the Asian themed cuisine was to die for, including fortune cookies! We met so many other couple in ministry and it was so encouraging ! We also had communion on his back patio under the starlit sky and then we wrote prayers on our lanterns. What you didn't see is when we let our lantern go it fell onto the ground and we were scared for 30 seconds that it was going to light the ground and house on fire... thankfully it didn't! Ha! 

Favorite Collaboration For King and Country and Dolly Parton

And no, I'm not kidding about this one! For King and Country and Dolly Parton have teamed up for the most unique sound! I have always loved this song, but adding Dolly to the mix made it just so ....wow! You have got to check it out!

I hope that you all enjoy the love of your family this weekend (and the ability to not set your alarm for a day or two)! 

Until next time!

xoxo

"I Don't Feel Like I Belong Here..."

So...I have entered a new season. I am now a work from home Mom. I absolutely love it. It's a joy to take my kids to school each day and pick them up every afternoon. It's a blessing to see their little mouths singing along to praise and worship music as we make our way through the car line. I decided to do something new in this season, something that I have not done in 20 years...

I went to the gym. I should have known how this was going to go down at 7:15 that morning when my son asked me 10 times if I was sure that I was dropping him off at school while wearing my yoga pants and t shirt. I was so excited, I even took a selfie outside in the parking lot to document this momentous occasion. 

I happily walked in and told the lady who hands you a locker key that I hadn't been to the gym in 20 years and she gave me a half smile / you're pathetic look and I skipped off to the locker room. After dropping my stuff off I made my way upstairs (I totally ditched the elevator even though I was tempted). And after walking up the stairs, my anxiety kicked in to 110%. 

My first thought was to join a class, but the class that was occurring at that time said "tone" in it and everyone in there looked like they were about to complete on Ninja Warrior, so I decided that it wasn't the class for me. And besides it was already starting. I was not going to walk in "fashionably late" without anything toned on my body. Not happening. 

I decided to walk around the track. I made one lap and I was only passed by two ladies with silver hair. I decided to walk another lap and another....and another. At this point I thought that I should probably keep track of how much I was walking, but I was too embarrassed to ask one of the young 20 somethings that were working how many laps made a mile. I was super impressed that all of these people at the gym knew exactly how to work out. They were sweaty and laughing and having fun. And I just felt alone. Clueless. Because I do not know how to gym. I know the benefits of going to the gym. I see what I can look like if I make this a part of my routine. But I just don't know how to gym. 

After being dizzy from walking in circles around the track I settled upon a bike. And there were so many buttons. So I just peddled. With all of the lights flashing to pick a program or count calories. I just wanted the buttons to stop flashing. I wanted to look like I knew what I was doing. But I didn't. I felt like I had blazing red lights all around me because I was clueless about how to do this thing. I don't know how to gym. 

And then it hit me. I bet this is how people feel when they come to church for the first time. Or the first time in a long time. They feel like I did at the gym. Alone. They see the benefits of coming to church. They desire to turn their life around. They feel the calling of Jesus. But it's different and awkward. They just want to blend in. They don't want to fill out the connect card because then everyone will know that they're new here. They just want to blend in and slip out. 

So, for my fellow church loving people. Show some love to the people who look like they don't belong, because like the gym, we all belong at church. Don't get upset when someone new takes your parking space or your seat or who gets the last cup of coffee at the coffee bar. Show a little extra love and grace and give them something to smile about!

The People Around You....

Greetings from my favorite place in the world...the beach! My family and I are here this week enjoying togetherness, sun, sand and memory making! We are having a wonderful time so far!

One of my favorite things about our beach time is morning coffee with my husband on the balcony where we people watch, have quite time and sip on our daily infusion of caffeine before heading out to be parents of two kids at the beach (and by the way..it takes a lot of arms to carry all the things out each day)!

Yesterday morning, my husband and I began watching two guys paddle boarding on the shore. I was immediately intrigued as I have witnessed paddle boarding many times, but never in the ocean. I was impressed that these guys were standing on their boards despite the waves. Then, the guys began riding the waves in on their boards. One guy was doing a really good job, but the other guy seemed to be knocked off of his board each time a big wave came. I felt sorry for him and I noticed that I began cheering for him to get back on each time that he was knocked off (and no, I don't know him).

It brought me back to the dark times of my life, those times when I was knocked down and sometimes others would rally around me and encourage me. Sometimes after the battle was over and I survived, people would tell me how proud they were that I got back up. In this life, we will have trouble...it is inevitable. However, sometimes we need to get back up not only for ourselves, but for others!

Other people are watching us and the battles that we face, they are secretly cheering for us and wanting us to get back up again. Sometimes they too are fighting a battle that we know nothing about, but when they see us get back up, it encourages them to do the same!

My new paddle boarding friend continued to paddle board for the next hour and I cheered him on the entire time. I have to say that he got better as the hour continued. I am just happy that he continued to get back on the board, despite the waves.